


would you have me? would you want me? (if i told you it was just a summer thing?)

by bringmayflowers



Series: would everything be different? [3]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Summer Camp, Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Infidelity, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:13:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28475226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bringmayflowers/pseuds/bringmayflowers
Summary: Hyungwon had always loved the myth of Icarus, burned up from his passion. Minhyuk was the sun and Hyungwon couldn’t resist. But Icarus always fell back to the Earth, just like he knew Hoseok would always be there, steady, waiting for him.
Relationships: Chae Hyungwon/Lee Hoseok | Wonho, Chae Hyungwon/Lee Minhyuk, Im Changkyun | I.M/Yoo Kihyun
Series: would everything be different? [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2084571
Comments: 5
Kudos: 13
Collections: "evermore" & "folklore" New Year's Eve Exchange





	would you have me? would you want me? (if i told you it was just a summer thing?)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [zigostia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/zigostia/gifts).



> inspired by Taylor Swift’s betty.

Hyungwon had always been studious, but no in the way his parents wanted. He liked the structure and order of the humanities, the subjectivity of it all that gave him a freedom, a sense that he could truly never be wrong. Instead, his parents were the opposite; firm in their answers, good with numbers, and couldn’t understand how he was so different.

Kihyun, Hoseok, and Changkyun were his first real friends. In elementary school, everyone had been friends, so that couldn't really count. But middle school was where he lost himself in novels, where he hid away in the corner as his peers kicked balls around and ran in the sunshine. He loved that they could be whatever they want, and wished he could be friends with the likes of Harry Potter or Percy Jackson instead of his dumb classmates.

Maybe his curse was he was too mature for his age. Nonetheless, Kihyun was the same way, and they frequently got into arguments about ethics and topics in the news. At their regular cafeteria table, he truly felt like he fit in.

Hoseok was the first one who made him feel things.

He’d always like to collect cute things, like the figurines that cluttered his bedroom. And Hoseok was the cutest of them all—he had a certain softness about him that was in no one else. When he made the first move, Hyungwon was gone. He felt the first murmurings of his heart, that told him yes, he did have feelings for other people. 

They were good for a long time. He can remember sitting in at drive-in theatres, how the big screen had illuminated Hoseok in the most perfect way. He was so involved in the movie, so empathetic with the characters and whatever plights they faced. But when they were happy, he was too. Hyungwon realized that maybe this type of happiness, the sort that he felt towards watching Hoseok be happy, was maybe what poets and writers wrote about, the type that couldn’t be captured on any technology.

The diner after, always open until late for students that came through. It was expensive, but no one went for the good food. They went for the nostalgia, the Instagram-worthy pictures, the feeling of being transported back in time. And as he watches Hoseok dig into his fluffy pancakes at 1am and talk excitedly about the movie, he realizes that maybe nothing else would ever be able to replace him, the moments they’d collected together.

He pulls the skateboard out of his closet, barely touched since his elementary school days. Though it was probably much too small for him now and dark outside, he needed something repetitive to do, something to take his mind off everything.

He never had any chances to make big mistakes, but that also meant he didn’t know how to deal with solving problems.

His feet somehow guide him to Hoseok’s house. His chest feels tight and something possesses him to stop and look up at the familiar porch, those windows he’d looked out of before, the entire layout of his house. He stands under the streetlamp closest to the porch, still keeping one foot on his skateboard. 

Hoseok always saw the best in others, was friendly to everyone, and altruistic. He was pure, almost too much—the wings on his back were almost tangible. He was caring and considerate and kind, and every time they went out together Hyungwon had felt almost guilty for taking something that didn’t seem like it belonged to him.

He was too normal, too many flaws, for someone like Hoseok to like him.

The cardigan he had spotted while out one day, and it was the exact same one Hoseok had mentioned wanting. He remembered how happy he was to find the perfect cardigan, and knew it had to give it as a gift even though he knew Hoseok had wanted to save up himself for it. The look on his face when he was given it was incomparable to any joy Hyungwon had felt himself before, the happiness coming out in waves, and Hyungwon couldn’t believe he was the recipient of it.

And now, he had ruined it. As he pushed off on the skateboard again, feeling like he overstayed his welcome, that even the house was mad at him, he considered it. Maybe he deserved anything he had that was coming to him.

Each coin had two sides, and his feelings that ran deep for Hoseok came with insecurities he had never considered before. After hearing someone in the bathroom complain about their girlfriend not showing enough interest, and another complaining about their boyfriend being a bad kisser, he wondered about himself.

Was he too aloof? Though he thought him and Hoseok were good, always on the same wavelength, maybe that was just him wrapping himself in his own bubble like his parents said he always did when he was younger. Maybe Hoseok would leave him one day out-of-the-blue for mistakes he didn’t even know he’d made.

He supposed it started at that one semi-formal he organized. He was busy helping count the balloons, making sure all the supervisors were on their shifts and the refreshments would be there on time, but he didn’t miss how close Changkyun and Hoseok were.

He had to attend to the event and couldn't stop his mind from thinking of all the tasks he had left, despite Hoseok dressing up and even putting on makeup and doing his hair properly for him.

Changkyun was a good friend. Loyal but quiet, a bit afraid to show his real self in front of others but very inquisitive and smart. He felt a bit intimidating at first, but really he was a total softie once you got to know him. 

This is where they started, the thoughts that maybe Changkyun would be better with Hoseok. Even though Hoseok had confessed to him first, always made the first moves, he would one day have enough of reaching out first. He would have enough of Hyungwon and his dumb responsibilities, inability to speak up, indecisiveness. Changkyun was brave, bold, not afraid to speak his mind, and surely would speak up like Hoseok deserved.

Hoseok would snap out of it one day, see that Changkyun was clearly better in every aspect than Hyungwon, and leave him. And it would all just be a distant memory to him.

The self-doubt didn’t stop plaguing him, despite his best efforts. It wiggled like a disease in the back of his mind, and even though he knew Hoseok like him, could feel it through the soft kisses and all the moments in the park and in the car they had, his heart and mind were at war.

He didn’t know if it was a blessing they had homeroom together, their first semester of their last year. At first they had been so happy, like the proper conclusion since they’d met homeroom of the first semester of their first year too

And now he knew that he deserved it, the coldness he could feel that had spread through Hoseok and his bond. After he got back, he wasn’t the same. He thinks Hosoek suspected, but was too scared to ask. Hyungwon was too much of a coward to offer himself.

But at least he didn’t have to face Hoseok. He could take the coward’s way out and look forward, attentive to the class instead of who he actually needed to care for. Hoseok always ran out of class early now, saying that his second period was across the school so he had to run, but Hyungwon really couldn’t remember if that was an excuse or the truth anymore.

They stayed in their limbo, acting well enough in front of Changkyun and Kihyun that they didn’t really notice anything too off about them (or at least didn’t show their knowledge of anything). They each made up their excuses to avoid dates, avoid time alone. There were workouts to be done, college applications to be filled out, homework to do and tests to study for, a never-ending list of things to do. 

Hyungwon knew that, no matter what happened, it would all be tumbling down. The month he tried so hard to leave behind would catch up to him, and it would be no one but his fault. After all, Minhyuk hadn’t known anything and Hyungwon hadn’t told. His clock was ticking, and it would only be a matter of time.

He went through almost three packs through November, just the anticipation of when him or Hoseok would work up the courage to ask the other. He knew he would never, could never watch Hoseok cry because of him, so he could only wait.

But was he even allowed to feel miserable? Who did he have to blame except himself?

Minhyuk was bright, so magnetic. So bright that Hyungwon couldn’t look away, almost blazing brighter than the campfire the counselors had all built together one of their nights after training. So magnetic he was the one Hyungwon always looked to at their team dinners, barely remembering anyone else’s names in the first two days.

He was all easy smiles and confidence, the epitome of everything Hyungwon wanted to be. He was bold, knowing exactly what he wanted and when he wanted it, and yet being still very attentive of caring to others. He walked the thin line between selfishness and selflessness, one that separated Hyungwon himself from the likes of Hoseok, who would do anything for someone else.

He wondered why Minhyuk liked him, why he was so engrossed in getting Hyungwon when surely there were better options out there, ones that had matching flames to him because Hyungwon certainly didn’t.

But after that first kiss, he was hooked. Minhyuk was everything he wished he was, and somehow he was attracted to him. He wanted Minhyuk to consume him whole, burn him up, and maybe he would emerge a better person on the other side. (Wishful thinking is really good at convincing people, huh?) 

It was just so much easier to run away together than alone away from the realities they couldn’t face(, away from only his own insecurities that he saw when he looked at Hoseok). 

(Minhyuk never asked why he didn’t take pictures using his own phone. It was these small mercies he was grateful for, because saying he was a cheater left a bad taste in his mouth. But maybe it was time to get used to it.)

Hyungwon felt guilty for using Minhyuk. But he didn’t seem to care, throwing all caution to the wind as they spent weekends exploring the nearby tiny town, driving around the countryside. They took photographs of pretty views and cute selfies and pretended like it could last a lifetime. The days felt longer when he was out, exploring the camp with his cabin of kids and joking around with them. 

(On those days, he didn’t have to face reality. The kids were innocent and in their own world of fun, and Hyungwon joined them.)

But at the end of the day, the exhaustion always hits, the thrill running out, and in those moments of darkness before sleep, he thought of Hoseok. 

(Did that make him a bad person?)

But Minhyuk wasn’t dumb, and neither was he. There was an unspoken truth, the same one that led to the both of them saying “goodbye” at their last meeting instead of something with intentions like “see you soon”. He’d only hoped that Minhyuk’s detachment hurt as little as his own, that they were getting an equal tradeoff. 

The thrill expired, the clock ran out, and he was worse off than he was before.

(Yes, he decided. He was a bad person, and Hoseok and Minhyuk deserved better than him.)

As soon as Kihyun looks at him, just days before winter break is about to start, he knows  _ he knows _ . He doesn’t know how or what he thinks, but none of it matters now. He knows Kihyun’s moral compass is impeccable, and that Hoseok will know within the week. A time bomb has been set, and he’s only sad that Hoseok would be the one hurt most rather than him.

At least, that day after they break up, Kihyun doesn’t call him nor Hoseok out for it. Changkyun doesn’t seem to know yet, and when Hoseok says he’ll go to the library, Changkyun can only express his sympathy for a test too close to the break. He can feel Kihyun looking over at him, but the red rims of his eyes and the dark bags under them probably tell the story better than he could hope to.

He’s rather glad Hoseok has Changkyun and Kihyun. Not only would they help cheer him up, but Kihyun was scary enough to scare him off. Cowardice did come into use sometimes.

He watches Hoseok walk off, shoulders curled inwards. Hyungwon has an epiphany: watching someone you love hurts more than your own hurt. Because the pain he feels from watching Hoseok try to keep it together, not break down in front of him, the realization that Hoseok wouldn’t let himself be vulnerable in front of him anymore, that he wouldn’t be there to comfort but instead was the cause, greatly outweighed any guilt and regrets he had.

It was the sort of pain that physically ached deep in his chest, that hurt so bad that not even crying could stop it. The sort that you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy, but Hyungwon did.

He knocks three times, actually kind of hoping no one hears or is home. That way he can convince himself knowing that he tried his best, but in the end he got no answer.

But Hyungwon has never been that lucky.

Hyungwon hadn’t really imagined this point; he thought maybe Kihyun or Changkyun would get it and close it in his face before he could get a word out. Or that even Hoseok would know what would be good for himself, get rid of him and hit him off the porch before Hyungwon could ruin him again. 

Hoseok steps onto the porch and closes the door behind him. 

Hyungwon’s hands start shaking. He had imagined what Hoseok would look like when he saw him again, maybe filled with a contempt and loathing that would make him feel better, but as always, Hoseok is self-sacrificing, wanting to see the best in him despite the hurt he must’ve gone through. 

He’d also never imagined that he’d be wearing the cardigan he’d given to him. He’s not sure if Hoseok hasn’t forgotten about him, or maybe Hoseok was so far down the path of moving on from him that he was able to wear the gift without feeling anything. Hyungwon also isn’t sure which option would make him sad and which happy, but he can’t think about that much now. Not when he’s the one who knocked, when Hoseok is still staring at him waiting for something to happen.

He’s still not quite sure why he’s here.

Actually, he does know. His love left for Hoseok, the deep ache of longing, outweighed his own feelings of self-doubt.

He knows now that he needs to be brave. If he loves Hoseok like he thinks he does, he needs to do this.

They settle on the porch steps like that first (cheek) kiss all those months—years?—ago that started it all, and Hyungwon tells his story. He can’t really remember what he says, words just flowing out, and he can feel tears fall from both his and Hoseok’s eyes. But he can’t seem to stop; it seems that after he’d tried shutting off his stream of consciousness the past months to try and get over it, it wouldn’t. And now it was all flowing out, in waves of despair and love and regret.

At some point Changkyun brings them some blankets that he knows normally belong on the end of Hoseok’s couch, and Hyungwon can see out of his peripheral enough of the door to see Kihyun glaring at him from behind the door frame. That’s another conversation he needs to save for later, though he supposes him and Changkyun will be much harder to win over since they don’t have as large of an emotional investment.

Hyungwon really can’t remember anything from that night, except how it ends. He touches Hoseok’s hands—so wrapped up in speaking his truth at possibly the one chance he would get that he forgot he was wearing the cardigan until that moment—and looks into his eyes. He’s glad he didn’t dim those lights, or else that would be something else he would never be able to forgive himself for.

They kiss softly, sweetly, unhurried, and when Hyungwon pulls away to look at Hoseok, the hopeful upturn of his lips, he thinks that,  _ Yeah, we’ll be okay _ .

(One day, some time later, Hyungwon hears a familiar laugh. After a quick look around, he catches nothing except a strong set of shoulders and dimples somewhere, a bright smile lost across the sand. He searches for the missing memory, that stranger’s name on the tip of his tongue, a glimpse of a face, a shoebox filled with polaroids of an August some time ago. 

But when Hoseok dumps a bucketful of sand over his head and he can hear Changkyun and Kihyun howling with laughter further out, he puts it out of his mind and chases him into the water.)

**Author's Note:**

> happy new year guys, and sorry this was so late! it didn't turn out really as i had hoped, but i really ran out of things for this last part T_T. hopefully the weird tenses weren't too awkward, even though the quality gradually went downhill as you read further in the series. 
> 
> some random notes:  
> \- i hated writing the infidelity, did not want anyone to be the "bad guy" but i had settled on hoseok for being cheated on since i knew i wanted them to be back together in the end, and he was the only one that really fit (he's way too nice and self-sacrificing i couldn't imagine anyone else)  
> \- i love minhyuk, he just is really easy to write for me so he featured in this <33  
> \- because i wrote hoseok, i eventually settled on hyungwon (was debating between him and changkyun tbh, but changkyun felt too mean too... i'm SORRY hyungwon OTL) and was then forced to write him which was probably,,, bad and definitely the hardest one to write  
> in conclusion: sorry for the garbage fire that was this series and especially this instalment
> 
> it can be read as a oneshot, though i strongly recommend finishing the series (reading in order preferably) as they were all written as companion pieces of one another. thank you for reading!
> 
> i will be back with more monsta x in the new year! (my other mx series and 3 unplotted fics are crying in their documents right now.) until then, stay happy and healthy everyone~ <33


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